lierenheartsyou

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-06-03T03:06:00

2009-06-03T07:14:33Z

Ex boyfriends, no matter whether or not they really are a good person....are the worst people in the world. There is no such thing as reconciliation, whether it is friendship or romance. Once someone's hurt you, or you hurt them...it cannot and should not be forgiven.

I regret trying to still be friends with Anthony. All he has done since then is accuse me of "not being over him" and questioned the validity of affection that my new romantic interest shows towards me. i.e: he doesn't really like me, because he doesn't "know" me yet.

Jealousy is an obvious component of these statements from him, but I'm not made of stone. Not to mention the frustration involved in someone being convinced that you are obsessing/hung up on them. What is with people and all these irrational assumptions? Fuck you.

Maybe I am bitter. Maybe I am tired.
I'm exhausted.
But god damnit, there's always going to be some NUTCASE who is so very certain that you're in the wrong. I hate psycho nutcases. Every last one of 'em.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-05-31T11:43:00

2009-05-31T15:48:29Z

Time is supposed to go by fast when you have a busy week.
But I think mine's been inching by a bit. I have the time during a day to remember that I'm not seeing any of my friends...but not the actual physical time to do something about it. Or the energy. SO to fix said problem, I told my boss I can only work tuesday, thursday, and sundays. At least then I'll have SOME time to breathe. I refuse to get to the level of busy that I was last semester during my SUMMER VACATION. especially due to waitressing. fuck that. Not worth it. I never want to work 5 days a week at the Country Tavern again, it makes me ill.

There's so much change for me and everyone I know going on all at once. I think everyone is sort of like me and just trying to wrap their heads around it.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-05-20T11:42:00

2009-05-20T15:53:14Z

bad days come in random spurts now-a-days, and they never last for more than 24 hours. For me, this is really great. After a lovely pre-weekend in the city with my best friend and other various good company, and then a weekend of making a nice chunk of money, I'm feeling positively refreshed.

I'm going to start doing some redecorating in my apartment. I figure, if I'm going to be here for another year at LEAST, I better make it feel more like home. I'm actually really excited, but am fighting off being stingy with this nice chunk of money I just made. Rennovations are necessary!

I'm so completely unphased by everyone with a bad attitude, strangers and acquaintances alike. I'm really happy.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-05-12T23:25:00

2009-05-13T03:26:42Z

I'm an undercover mess.
It's always rough when you realize you're not really doing your best.
Time to start acting like someone who wants to get somewhere.

A little something.

2009-05-11T02:52:26Z

I loved you fiercely, painfully.
I left you justfully, forcefully.
I don't see ration in merrily, ignorantly,
fitting pieces in a puzzle where they won't fit.
I'm not sure if there's anyone who can perfectly, eternally,
fill the pieces that my puzzle needs fit.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-05-08T11:26:00

2009-05-08T15:31:17Z

hooray, summer! Now that I'll never have to take 5 classes at once again, I can breathe just a little bit better. My goals this summer are simple: Hang out with as many of my friends that I have been neglecting as possible, frolick through the city with kelly on a bi-weekly basis, go to the beach at least once a week (weather pending), make some new friends, surround myself with good folks and keep my distance from the debbie-downers and HAVE FUN!

I've decided that's how it's going to go. It's going to be a good one.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-04-29T02:06:00

2009-04-29T06:07:55Z

Every day
It's getting closer
Going faster
Than a roller coaster
A love like yours
Will surely come my way.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-04-13T12:40:00

2009-04-13T16:48:59Z

There seems to be two major beliefs about reality floating around in the spectrum of human intelligence, summarized. 1)Our emotions are our guiding light, and our only way to determine reality. 2) Our emotions are tricks, set to deter our minds from the powers of reason, and are distorting our reality, one heartbreak/tempter tantrum/happy moment at a time.

It's also been said that things can be wrong, or they can be right. But anything in the middle is evil.

Despite that statement, I think there must be a middle ground.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-04-10T15:08:00

2009-04-10T19:10:17Z

Nothing is ever quite what it seems.
I think that's reason enough to let emotional mentality rest.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-03-21T16:45:00

2009-03-21T20:55:13Z

At some point last night, I just snapped out of it.
I'm not bound to anyone. whether it be through love or obligation.
I do not NEED to be cherished to be cherishable.

I don't give up on things like this.
but I can accept them as they are.

"you two had great moments. but they were moments. They don't define what the two of you really are."

I have the best friends a girl could ask for. Between last night and Molly's baby shower this afternoon, I feel so content and happy and appreciated by my darling friends. Whether you are little party animals in the city that melt my heart, or you took me in and treated me like a sister/daughter, and show me nothing but kindness and respect...you are so important to me.

I underestimate the power of good friendships. I've always been so cynical, convinced that real relationships were the only things I could trust. But whenever I am at my wit's end..there they are. These people, who don't expect anything more than my company..and who WANT me in their lives. Maybe I've had it all wrong all along.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-03-20T09:40:00

2009-03-20T13:46:21Z

I remember at the end of the summer, I was perfectly content with never loving another person in this way again. Because the incredibly painfully slow fading away process is more than I can handle. The whole "this time will be different" thing is so old. Love blinds you, then when people revoke it, you see that you're right back where you swore you'd never be again.

My insides just hurt. My heart. My stomach. My soul if I have one.

I'm also concerned that since this one did seem so different, I am going to hold everyone else I might meet to such a high standard that I'll never really find anyone as worth-while. The thought that I could do that to myself unknowingly, makes me sick.

I don't want romance anymore. It's just another addiction that only I have, never the other person. I'm so incredibly tired of hurting.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-03-16T16:35:00

2009-03-16T20:38:39Z

Good literature is keeping me numb.
A lot has happened the past nine days. My gut instinct tells me to be alone until I can really swallow it. Be alone until I can stop caring. Just read, read, read. Become wise.
But the problem with that is, I am incredibly lonely.

If I can't force myself to enjoy the burdens and complexities of this world, if i can't smile and laugh at my own misfortune simply because it's good for me...I'll laugh for the fat lady. Whether she's christ himself or just a dream.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-03-05T21:03:00

2009-03-06T02:13:21Z

I'm excited to get away, to warm weather and constant affection. that much is obvious and anyone would agree.

But what I'm also excited for is to come back, and start to make my life the kind of life one doesn't have to escape from every other month.

I take for granted what I have here. I try not to. But...I do.

It's time to bid farewell, in a sense, to the person who has helped me grow so much.

I won't intentionally stop talking to him, or even stop loving him. But I've been stuck in this cycle of naivety for too long, thinking that he will ever love me as much. Not that he doesn't...just not as much. I can't keep a hold of the notion that someday we will be able to live together and all of our distance problems will disappear. It takes two to tango, and one of us just refuses to dance. I am foolish for putting so much reality into a fairy tale.

When the bad slowly begins to outweigh the good, it is always time to find a different route.

I have so much I want to give to the people around me. I want to be a loving friend, a good student, a fun co-worker and not always be off in la-la land. Because I KNOW I can be these things.

I hate the feeling of having to start over, that all the progress was an illusion and really I never got out of square one. But, it's refreshing as well. I have good people here, in new england, right now...who don't hurt me and care. They, as they have been for the past year, are what will cause me to come out better.

Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend.
let's enjoy this week together.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-03-02T11:47:00

2009-03-02T16:47:59Z

its supposed to rain/snow on my flight day.
let's all do a sun-dance for Friday, ya?

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-02-24T23:04:00

2009-02-25T04:05:31Z

Not doing well in school when I am trying my hardest is the most discouraging thing in the entire world that I have yet to feel.

what a day from hell.

what the shit.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-02-22T01:17:00

2009-02-22T06:17:38Z

no more emotions.
nope.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-02-18T18:45:00

2009-02-18T23:49:58Z

I always forget how soothing numbing myself really is.
Not expecting anything...not wanting anything...
tends to get you what you want.

I made a vow a while ago to accept that the old me is dead and gone. Why should I let anything, even my own emotions, influence me negatively? This life is my life and it's supposed to be entertaining.

only 2 more weeks until Florida. I'm in need of an escape. It always seems to come at just the right time. I am itching to feel the energy of Saint Augustine again, and am hoping it's sunny and hot the whole week so I can buy lots of new books and lay at the beach all day while anthony is at school.

I joined a website that anthony recommended, called ModelMayhem. It's actually really great. I've been a member for 3 days, and already I have almost a dozen offers from photographers to shoot with me and help me build a portfolio. What a treat! Some of them are so creative and fucking GOOD at taking pictures. I'm flattered they would choose me.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-02-17T01:17:00

2009-02-17T06:20:29Z

Everything I want/need/desire/strive for...I will get myself.
In the end, when it all comes down to that bitter, last step in the road...I'm all I will have anyway.

Our society as a whole is suffering mass delirium.

I am unbelievably depressed about this. No words.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-02-15T14:54:00

2009-02-15T19:56:03Z

I like my friends. and making new friends.
I like both of these things very much.

I am very content with how everything is going.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-02-08T09:52:00

2009-02-08T14:53:04Z

what the fucking shit is wrong with people?
I don't even want to write about it. It's not worth it.
just...what the fucking shit.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-02-06T23:47:00

2009-02-07T04:51:30Z

I've been toying with the idea of moving back home.
I know my parents will tell me I am overreacting and not to worry about their financial status. But, 12,000 dollars a year JUST on rent seems like so much to be spending on one child. If my dad were to lose his job, that money would be the difference between dinner and liquidation.

Speaking of losing jobs.

I seem to have the misfortune this month of walking into work and seeing signs, "NO EMPLOYEE IS ALLOWED TO REQUEST SUCH AND SUCH A DATE OFF." Needed valentine's day off. For my own personal sanity. NEED spring break off. Got laughed at when I gave my time off request.

It would be a shame to be unemployed at this point.
and it's not fair to forbid specific dates to be requested off when I am giving PLENTY of notice. I already bought my tickets, jerks. You just hired 7 new servers, put them on the damn schedule!

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-02-04T20:34:00

2009-02-05T01:37:57Z

This world frightens me.
it's not just a matter of needing to succeed...to build a life of my own and possibly (God forbid) have to start supporting my family. But I want to succeed. I want to so bad.

This is the wrong day and age to be trying so desperately hard to find one's identity, love thyself and be at peace with all that is around us.
But then again, when is that ever a convenient process?

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-01-28T03:04:00

2009-01-28T08:06:53Z

We both thought it was all over.
Looks like it's only just beginning.
Friendship? companions? lovers? dreamers?
all of the above, probably.
Not easy to understand or explain..
but friends, you're going to have to trust me on this old chestnut.
Life can always start anew.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-01-26T12:50:00

2009-01-26T17:53:34Z

This is my last real day in daytona.
It has been a real internal battle, being here.
but at the same time...
I've never been more pampered.
I've never been more comfortable around people.
and some of the sights I have seen this time...I've never been so taken.

I'm not going to give up on this kid.
for some reason, despite all that's happened...being in love in the easiest thing either of us has right now.
I'm not ready to lose all this fun.

lierenheartsyou @ 2009-01-19T04:08:00

2009-01-19T09:18:38Z

So the countdown begins.
I leave for Daytona...possibly the last time of my entire life..in 2 days.
In the past 5 days, I have eaten maybe the equivilent of 2 good meals. Not because I wanted to either, let me tell you. There's nothing more uncomfortable than eating through an everlasting sense of nausea. But, a girl requires energy working 20 hours in a weekend.
In the past 5 days also, I have not been able to go to sleep sooner than 4 or 5am. If there's one thing I can't STAND, it's insomnia. When you're awake this long everything good about the previous day becomes invalid. Because you've pretty much been awake another whole day and haven't done shit.

My desperation for slumber will probably only be nourished if I take a shot of vodka. The last of the alcohol in my house. I was going to save that for wednesday...I'm REALLY going to need alcohol on wednesday.

God, I'm so numb. In a way I am greatful. Self preservation is most important, after all. But...I was such a good person, you know? Really in control of my emotions and I loved feeling them, really had a look towards the sky attitude going on. Self preservation before self exploration, I guess.

It's never a matter of what did I do to deserve this.
Rather, it's how did I get so lucky? haha.

Friends, your kind words stay with me every second and when I start to cry they make me not cry anymore. You are my angels.